Sunday, December 19, 2010

"All in God's Timing"

Today i hung out with some people from my church. Im amazed at how different other relationships are in relation to my own with Robbie. One couple who is newly married, about 3 months, are speaking of having kids in 2 years. Another couple who has been married 30 years was talking about how they had kids when they were 22 after being married for 2 years as well. When Robbie and i got married i had imagined being married for a couple of years and then having our first as well. In 2 weeks were celebrating our 4 year anniversary. It used to really bum me out having "the conversation" about kids with other couples... But now, it really doesn't bother me at all. Finally! I think I'm breathing the sweet air of maturity. I think had we had a child only after 2 years of being married, we would not be as stable, patient and close as we are now. I have grown so much in the past few years as a person and in our marriage. I think it takes me longer than most to catch on and learn.
But like I said about that couple who have been married 30 years, they are a happy and strong family- still together. Im glad it worked out for them, but i don't think it would have worked out for me. Im pretty selfish, and self centered at times that having a child 2 years ago would have been a train wreck.
Part of me wonders what kind of mother ill be, when I'll be a mother, etc. The other part of me wonders about Robbie- all the uncertainty i know he has about parenthood.
At home today i was pondering all of this while walking out of the bedroom and that's when i spotted Robbie dropping a box under the Christmas tree for me and looked at me like a deer in headlights. It made me so thankful for being in the present, at exactly where we were in that moment. I realized that we are where we're at in life because of what Gods plans are for us. A girl in my women's bible study told me that it's "all in Gods timing". I usually just glaze over crap like that but today it really hit me as truth.
Im perfectly content with my place and role in life right now. We have the luxury of picking up whenever we want to and travel, we can watch movies any night of the week and eat pizza and popcorn together, i can take naps in the afternoon if i want, do laundry when i feel like it, or have alone time whenever i want it. These examples are golden for people who have children that i usually take for granted. I have so much to be thankful for, and not having kids right now is one of them. I trust God.
Right now, I'm at Merridee's drinking a specialty coffee, blogging, at 5pm.

Im thankful.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Fragile yet bullet proof

Today has been a mentally exhausting day. My cousin was stabbed this morning 3 times in the stomach and was in surgery this morning repairing how bowels that had been obstructed. The fact that i live in another state doesn't help with the anxiety either. I've been glued to my cellphone all day.
As of now he's recovering. Thank you Jesus,
What I've learned today is that i can not handle stress while being respectful. I expect those around me to understand what I'm feeling and to be like a golden retriever..
Its frustrating. Not only for me, but for Robbie. We had a huge argument today. I was being snappy and short with him. Disrespectful. Nothing hurts him more than disrespect. The whole time, I'm not even aware of my tone or the way I'm acting because i was so absorbed with how my cousin was doing and if he was going to live.
Two volatile emotions. Disrespect and desperation. A snowball of increased pain.
Forgiveness and letting go. Robbie and i are both blessed with being able to forgive easily and let go eventually. - the eventually being me. I think its a woman thing.
Its snowing really hard out today- side ways. Its beautiful. I'm at a small coffee shop close to home- the hot spot- while robbie is educating someone on personal finances. Life is so fragile and precious, yet i still feel bullet proof. Only age can explain something that foolish.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad