Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving was more delicious than I had imagined it would be. Not exaggerating. Although none of the kids were here this trip, there were a lot of new in laws that most of the family hadn't met yet. It was nice not feeling like the newest member of the family anymore.
Even though the holiday has been great and i am so full of thanks, I still have trouble walking away from my past mistakes that seem to haunt me at the most inconvenient times. This sounds like a case of basic spiritual attacks but regardless, it's obnoxious and makes me feel undeserving.
To be realistic though, for once, who i was and what I've done is in the past and isn't who I am today. I've hurt, betrayed, lied, cheated, deceived, manipulated, and have totally trashed people in my life that i loved. However, i too have been hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on, deceived, manipulated and have been trashed. No one is perfect. There are things I'm not proud of that even Robbie doesn't know. If he wanted to know then id tell him but there are somethings that aren't even worth divulging.
Having an overactive conscience the size of Canada doesn't help either.
If I hadn't gone though what I have in the past 25 years, i wouldn't be the girl i am today. I often wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Haha
Robbie and I have talked about this in the past and he's been more than helpful and supportive but there comes a point when i just need to move on and let the past be the past. I keep thinking I'm almost there until something comes up.
Im starting to notice that there will always be something that comes up. My memory cells are still kicking and alive so why wouldn't they? Letting go and believing that i am a different person helps. But knowing that i am not a perfect person and never will be helps even more. People struggle with the same things i do.
Acknowledging that I am no longer that person and having the courage to face myself with a renewed attitude of perseverance will get me through life's trials with minimal bumps and bruises.
So with this i say:
I am an imperfect human being with the ability to inspire hope in others.